Mamlakti Ana

خسرت حلماً جميلاً .. وما خسرت السبيلا ..

  I had so many plans .. so many dreams .. so many black and white drawings in my colouring book .. that I spent years outlining .. manifesting and painting.. and waited for you to bring to life ..

     I had a plan for us .. a picture of a beautiful house .. that smelled like freshly baked vanilla cookies and cinnamon rolls from the inside and surrounded by beds of tiger lilies from the outside .. we had a small garden .. where we planted so many flowers .. trees and even raspberries ourselves.. and watched them grow everyday ..

    We had two swings .. one was for me to ride with you at my back .. like you always do .. to catch me just in time .. and let me go .. you had a thing with timing ..and one .. was a sofa swing .. in which we sat .. and had our deepest conversations .. and silent endearments ..

   Oh and the kids .. they had the best of us .. they had your kind eyes .. and noble heart .. they had my hair and my mischief ..   we also had our own small garage built in our house .. in which we used to secretly sneak in late at night .. play our favourite movie on the garage wall and watch it from the front seats of our car , like our own cinema ..

      We had time for everything .. we had time to wake each other for fajr prayer .. and Quran recitals .. we had time for trying new recipes with you over my head in the kitchen .. eager to taste whatever it is that I'm cooking ..

We had all the time in the word .. we had times where I make you sit and listen to that new song I've been practising playing on my violin..

We always danced .. cheek to cheek .. hand in hand.. and breath to breath .. to the songs of Ella Fitzgerald , Louis Armstrong and Sir Frank Sinatra ..

There were so many nights that we were tired .. exhausted and all worn out .. but still we had time to listen to each other .. lean on each other .. understand each other .. support each other .. cheer each other up and be cheerleaders for one another .. and be merciful to each other ..

      We travelled the world .. we walked through the streets of Rome .. threw coins at fountain Trevi .. and took a gondola in Venice .. and strolled in Florence .. all the way to Santorini .. ate chocolates in Vienna .. had amazing seafood in Prague .. hugged all cherry blossom trees in Japan .. snorkelled in the Maldives ..river rafted in Switzerland .. and the list goes on forever ..

We had every intent to make each other happy .. to fill our lives with love .. understanding .. respect and trust .. and we did defy the society's standards .. definitions , legacy and ideology of marriage .. by setting our own example ..

   We had so many wonderful things .. but the most important treasure and blessing of all we had .. was our hearts .. my heart squeezed into your chest .. right beside your heart .. so that you had two heartbeats .. two lifetime supplies .. two of everything .. that eventually .. as we grow old and grey became one ..    and that no matter how old we get .. and no matter
what life throws our way .. you still look at me with your dreamy brown eyes ..and see right through me .. see the young foolish and beautiful girl that you once loved.. who has witnessed all of you ..with all of your flaws .. shortcomings before your good traits.. and loved you still ..

But I did not get the chance .. I never did .. I don't know if life was too big for us .. and we did bit more than we can chew .. I don't know if it's bad timing .. or it's that we were not right for each other or that if our sins were too many that we were being punished for them somehow.. or that we did not know any better .. or that our fears .. and demons outnumbered us or was it that it was all too much to handle.. I really haven't figured that out yet .

What I do know is .. as poet Mahmoud Darwish perfectly describes it :خسرت حلماً جميلاً .. وما خسرت السبيلا ..

Cotton Candy ..

I’ve had this habit since I was little of staring at the clouds for long hours .. I loved how they were shaped into bunnies and pets .. and how they sketched anything that can cross my mind into one shape and transform into another everytime I looked up at them … they were puffy … and pure.. and I could never resist the urge to reach out and touch them .. I loved how the sunlight tries to penetrate them with its beautiful rays .. I love how they sometimes make the sky seem as if it has been brushed .. and how they along with , the brilliant colors of the sun and the sky at sunset form a breath taking piece of art .. It used to take me away for along time .. and never was there a dull moment ..

I remember one time I was flying and I looked out the window and saw an amazing set of very thick cotton-candy like clouds .. it was right there next to me.. a window apart , and all I can think of was : “Wow if I can only get out that plane and walk on that cloud .. and maybe dance no , hop from one cloud to another .. and if I can grab a handful of this one right there .. and place it on my lips and see what it tastes like .. does it taste like morning due or is it like cotton candy .. is it like whipping cream .. or does it taste like the rain .

I grew up and I got busy .. and I forgot about my soothing and delighting habit .. I never forgot about the cotton candy though.. uptill now I turn into a 5 years-old whenever I see the cotton candy man … I march right to his cart and ask him to get me the largest one .. and with the very first bite .. it takes me back to my clouds.. and the biggest smile’s drawn upon my face ..

So right now , Mamlakti , I have 2 trails of my smile .. park swings and clouds staring habit ... oh God I hope I don’t stumble upon a beautiful cloud .. forget that .. I hope I do ..

The very first trace of my smile ..

     I remember when I was little , six or seven years old , we used to have this two grand villas in Alexandria , that we used to spend the entire some vacation at , they were round semi-circles , right next to each other separated by this short wall of bricks , each had a beautiful garden in which my grandma planted fruit and vegetables , we used to have fig , watermelon , tomato , beans , mint and even palm trees , I haven’t met my grandma , she passed away before I could but I’ve always imagined her like that garden , a bit of everything all rolled into one , I could not imagine how these very different types of vegetables and fruits were planted in the same soil all around the house , but I was told that my grandma , she had her way around miracles , she paved the sidewalks of this house , she could make anything out of everything , my god she was amazing …

     I used to climb with my boy cousins our gigantic fig tree to collect the really good ones for desert , and I remember that I was fearless .. I used to race my cousins to the top of the tree .. and no insect , bird .. nothing could stop me from going up above ..

     I remember we used to sleep in one villa with our family and play in the other villa - which was used for storage mostly- our fortress .. it used to have this circular green unreachable bedroom window shields, me along with my sister and cousins , we used to misbehave a lot of times so that our mums would lock us in the bedroom for punishment .. and then we pretend that we were princes and princesses locked up in a dungeon and we climb our way to the window , using pillows to lift us up and bed sheets to help us climb our way down the window and off to the play ground ..

     My favorite part of our fortress was the swings my grandpa installed for us , this was the happiest time of my life.. I used to start at a small pace , push my legs up in the sky .. increase the speed until I reach this part of the ride where my heart stops beating .. and I hold my breath preparing myself for the scary part where I might fall .. I open my eyes and look at the ground way under my feet , clinging to the thick ropes that hold the swing , thinking that if I hold them firmly I would control the speed of the swing and stop it .. but then this funny feeling inside me encourages me to let go of that firm grip and surrender to the swing .. down I go then up again with the same speed .. every time I push my legs harder the one before it, so that I can go higher in the sky and feel the blood rushing to my face .. my eyes are wide open to the very blue sky .. strandles of my hair playfully whips my face .. my legs are hanging out of the swing .. and up in the sky I go .. with the biggest smile on my face that the funny feeling I had inside me to let go .. did not let me down .. and did not let me fall ..

Off on Journey to the past..

Mamlaktii ..
Been a while now since I last laughed from the heart .. I’ve acquired this fake yellowish smile from a lot of people around me.. the smile that you draw upon your face when you say “ Good morning ” to your boss and you’re thinking ..bloodsucking bastard !! , the smile you give to people you don’t even like and say have a nice day when you’re not really wishing them a nice day .. and the same smile you give to everyone asking how are you doing ..and you say I’m FINE , when fine really means : Freaked out , Insecure, Neurotic and emotional .. knowing that they won’t stick around to hear the answer .. so you spare yourself the explanation .. and spare them the extra time they have to spend showing empathy..

So yeah.. that hypocrite smile people refer to nowadays as social intelligence , that I need to wipe off my face.. I need to get my oh so beautiful smile back.. look for it .. and fight , time , the oh so clever enemy who has slipped it away from me.. and fight the world if I have to ..

And that needs a journey to the past.. a journey back in time .. to find out what really happened to my smile.. and not only come back with it.. but also come back with a lifetime supply ..

Wish Me Luck , Strength and sense of humor .. Reemus , A.Z

This I promise you ..

To the future king of Reemania ..
This I promise you ..
I promise that I’ll take good care of your heart ..
I promise that I’ll cut out mine and give it to you as a spare..
I promise that I’ll be your cheerleader and witness to life..
I promise that I’ll be a fool for you .. and I’ll be your clown whenever ur down..I’ll sing.. danse.. jump.. whatever it takes..
I promise that I’ll put you and your needs before myself..
I promise I’ll be your home.. your shelter and in my arms you’ll find you haven..
I promise that I’ll be there for you now.. when you wake up in the morning .. forever and the life after..
I promise you that whenever when life gets crazy.. we’ll go crazier..
I promise that I’ll love you with every beat of my heart..
And I promise that I’m gonna danse with you until our lives come to end ..
This is the vow that I took upon myself..and I promise to keep .. honor and cherish..

your Queen Reemus , A.Z

Before I was Your Queen..

Mamlakti ,

Before I was crowned the Queen of my beloved kingdom.. back when I were a princess .. I traveled outside the walls of Reemania .. exploring the world .. I wanted to discover the opportunities.. I went out on a journey hoping to find happiness.. thrill .. meanings.. and I ended up finding myself .. which turned out to be the most rewarding thing that happened to me.. I applied for a job at a very small company.. hoping I could start out a career there .. I met new types of people .. I met the selfless hardworker .. who wants nothing of this life but provide his family with every single pound he earned , I met the ego-driven man.. whose entire world lies between his eyes and the the bottom edge of his nose.. I met the sweet and down to earth musicican..I met the really sneaky bargainer .. and I met the extra-ordinary gentleman.. who managed to bright up my days .. and bring me to smile when times got so dark and life was just not giving me a break.

I worked in the morning and the afternoons.. and I tutored English to 2nd and 3rd graders at night.. in which I found life to be really worth living for.. I found my happiness in the eyes of these little monkeys.. who drove me nuts.. and whom I spend most of the lessons.. yelling at them for wetting their clothes and spending lots of time in the bathroom.. I fell in love with little Ali.. who was the brightest of my students.. he had the sweetest dimple on his small cheek.. and the most amazing look anybody has ever looked at me…this look when you know you have taught this person something that will leave a mark on his life… and that look that we used to give our teachers in the past.. the teachers we looked up to the most and changed our lives.. I was Miss Reem..

Time's passed and I reached this point where I'm not learning anything new at work , and the point where you think " there's gotta be more " , and Miss Reem felt like there's alot to learn .. there's a bigger world out there that needs me to unveil it .. but ..

My Godmother got very sick , and things of that sort , well , they kill me , I found myself freezing , because that's what I used to do best when I was scared to death , I put mylife , my plans and my everything on hold for their sake . She got better by time and that I'm thankful to God for . As for me and my frozen life .. I was such a mess .. My music was out of tone .. I lost my edge at work .. I forgot myself and worst of all .. I got comfortable there ..

I don't recall when was the time that I sobered up .. but I knew that things don't work this way .. you don't fall and expect the ground to bounce you back on your feet , I had to stop relating my happiness to someone else’s existence.. I had to stop doing that.. I had to get myself back..enough with the pathetic and weak person.. because I was never like that.. I was an unstoppable ball of fire. People used to come to me to feel good about their lives.. and themselves .. I was a cheerleader..

I decided to look after myself.. and build up a career.. maybe then Karma would cut me a slack .. I found that there’s no future for me there at the small company that was called IKD .. and there’s no where to go from there.. so I packed my things and joined Vodafone’s forces..

I’ve decided to standup for myself for a change.. disable the freezing option.. and take my life to a whole new level.. I will find my happiness in each and everything I do.. I will be my own happiness.. I will dream and make these dreams come true.. I’ll be my own guarding angel.. and I will no longer let bad things get to me.. I will not let anyone cross a line with me.. and I definitely will not surrender to the Slaps.. the disappointments life pours at me.. I will fight back fiercely and with an open heart and a Winners smile on my face saying to life “ Bring it ON ” ..

I came back and fought for a chance to rule this kingdom… I asked life for a chance to make it right.. to pass on the wisdom to the people and I was granted my chance.. I was given the opportunity.. and I want you to know that it is up to you only to make your life a living hell.. or make it a beautiful place..

So here I am .. Standing here today 23 years young.. and 6o years Wise .. let’s hold hands and change the course of life !

Your Queen , Reemus R.Z

Dear Kingdom,

This is my first letter to you .. a letter that I have longed to write the moment I took over the kingdom of Reemania .. my own kingdom .. a kingdom where everything is possible .. where dreams do come true .. kingdom of everlasting Beauty .. Honesty and Strength .

Looking back at the history of Reemania .. it has gone through battles and wars .. it has lost some battles and was damaged for an amount of time .. but never has it failed to lose its’ identity and give up on its values .. the values that made it able to stand out through dark times .. and the very same values that is because of , I’m Standing here today .. At the top of my lungs .. telling you that We are ready to take on Life.. with all of its possibilities .. ready for the unknown with all the right weapons.. and ready for a new age .. of Welfare .. development and

Unbreakable Will ..

Enough with the Words now .. Let’s Get Into Action .. Let’s Add values to our lives and let’s make of this place “ Heaven on Earth “

To Beauty .. Honesty .. and Strength ..

Your Queen , Reemus A.Z